But I will.
I’ve always considered myself to be a really open person. That can be defined many ways, but for me it has meant that I am generally pretty willing to share what I’m going through or what I have going on that you wouldn’t stick on a resume. Every 6 months or so, I sit back and sort of evaluate how I’ve grown and changed, and it’s always interesting to think about how many people come and go in my life in such a short period of time. It’s great in some ways, like finally getting over the idiot(s) that weren’t worth my time. But it also has it’s negatives, like anticipating the loss of the people I think matter to me right now, in this moment, as I’m typing.
Of course, there are constants – my family, my best friends, coworkers (for as long as I’m at that job…), and other relationships that I have control of maintaining like physicians, accountants, the girls at the nail salon. But what I have learned is that no matter how unbelievable the “regulars” are, I seem to be the most impacted by the ones that come in and out (of my life, let’s keep this PG).
I am someone who gets pretty easily disappointed. I’ve been told that it has something to do with my initial expectation that people won’t be assholes, but even when I keep a distance, it seems that this shit finds me. It comes in all shapes and sizes, sneaking into your world when you aren’t paying attention, and before you even catch on, there’s a quick exit. My first reaction is that there is no warning, but I’ve also come to understand that there is always a warning. There is always some kind of sign that presents itself in early interactions with a person that you can do one of two things with: you can either use it as the reason to cut off contact, or you can let it slide. And we all know how many slides go uphill…
I was talking to someone the other day about that line – the one that exists at the beginning of all new relationships (fucking or otherwise…), where you have to make that judgment call. That miraculous situation that determines the rest of your days together. The one that you toss around in your head at 3:32 in the morning trying to figure out if you are the one that needs to tuck your crazy in or if this is really something that is a red flag. “My ex-husband used to pull that shit…” or “that made me feel pretty shitty, but I’m sure he didn’t mean it….” or “that motherfucker… but the sex is so good…”
My nights have been sleepless for weeks about many things. My health, my job, my finances, and these relationships that make or break the rest of it. I’m not sure why I am impacted so much by people that should otherwise mean nothing to me (because it’s what they deserve), but it gets to a point with me sometimes where I become almost debilitated because I can’t get over how much I am taken advantage of.
I read this great quote recently about how “everything you want is on the other side of fear.” Perhaps my answer lies within those 10 words. But what fear could I possibly posses that prevents me from getting what I want? After doing some soul-searching, I’ve determined that it’s more than one thing, including rejection, being alone, being able to maintain whatever I reach, failure, and Lord knows the list goes on. But when it comes to love, the one that doesn’t ever seem to leave my side is abandonment.
In my life, I feel constantly like all good things must come to an end. It’s not necessarily that I expect everything to be perfect all of the time, but I have very few things/people in life that I’ve had around for a long time that I don’t fear will disappear. In fact, I don’t know if I have any. The other shoe will always drop, and true colors are there lurking in the shadows. With these immediate relationships that I’ve been discussing throughout this post, it’s only that the transaction is faster, and maybe I am hoping that I’ll get a little more life out of the situation before it dies.
But basically, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of going through the motions – the meet, the flirt, the connect, the comfort, and then the bullshit it all eventually becomes. And an even bigger point of contention for me is when the guy doesn’t even think you know what he’s doing to you and continues to act all supportive like he gives half a damn. And catching these idiots in their lies is a trip, too. I try my best not be passive aggressive, but I’m a girl, and sometimes I can’t help myself, and sometimes I post some wicked shit up on social media just because it needs to get out of my body or I’m going to explode. And it’s always that motherfucker that caused me the pain that’s like “hey, I completely agree!” Really dude? I know you own a mirror or at the very least, a phone that lets you take 1000 selfies, so maybe you should take a better look.
I had the weirdest situation happen to me recently. I accidentally became acquainted with a guy who pursued me to the point of calling regularly and setting up a date. Naturally it comes out that he has a girlfriend, and I get this great line about how it’s “complicated.” Complicated? Complicated for who? Because if you’re hitting on me (and God knows how many other girls…) it’s not complicated for you! And it certainly won’t be complicated for me. The only person this has the potential of being complicated for is the poor girl that doesn’t know her douche bag boyfriend is out scouting around for someone else. Although I am happy to say that I did the right thing and told him to go fix his home before he builds a house, it still bothers me that shit like that even has to happen. Where are those guys who make it through that initial few interactions who after you start to consider maybe something a little more with don’t have some fucked up shit waiting to be uncovered? We all have our baggage, believe me.
But I’m sick of the suitcases full.
“You just love to heart shop
I think that it’s over
I think that it’s over”
The Four Eleven 