The Four Eleven

Tonight as I was laying in bed, attempting to go to sleep early because I haven’t been feeling so hot, I stumbled upon this amazing quote. It said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

Think about that for a second.

And another.

When I read it, I was like, “alright, alright! Now we’re onto something.” And then I thought longer, and I got out of bed, put some water on the stove for tea, blasted my Pandora “Soca” station, and sat down at my computer to really unload exactly what it makes me think about.

This is a long time coming.

We’ve all been there. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Boy is nice to girl’s face. Boy says all the right things. Girl DOES all the right things. (Note the difference). Boy posts video of him fucking some girl in the street with their clothes on. Hmm? What’s that? No? You haven’t been there? Ohhhh, oh ok. Well I have.

Believe me when I say that this year has been a test of patience. I have learned a lot about myself and how I act in relationships (even though according to the knight in shining armor I referenced above, I haven’t really been in one…). I have been challenged on every single move I’ve made, every single word I’ve said, and it’s really made me think deeply about how I behaved in the past in ways that may have contributed to rights gone wrong.

But I don’t want to really get too into all of that right now. What the quote really made me think about is how social media has really doggy-styled how people interact with each other. When I was in my senior year of college, I did my seminar thesis on AOL’s instant messenger (talk about a TBT) and how the reliance on a medium that provided zero non-verbal communication when 93-96% (depending on where you read) of a message is communicated by our body language (tone, body position, hand gestures) was risky at best in expressing anything more than directions to a hot dog stand (and even that could get dicey…).

There are so many different places I could go with this. First of all (and maybe the most silly…): what was it all really like before online communication and social media? I wish I could say I knew, but the internet messengers became popular when I was about 12/13 (my typing WPM thanks you…), I had my first cell phone when I was 18, and (The) Facebook was invented when I was a Sophomore in college. Even if someone could argue that there was dating before I was 20 years old (here’s to hoping…), it wasn’t quality, “I’m old enough to know what I want out of life or another human being or a relationship” kind of dating. So have I just solved the mystery about why everyone is getting divorced instead of staying married?

I think it’s quite possible. And let me tell you why.

Back in the day, if you had some guy on a horse who said he had to go fight in a war and he was really going to fuck some bitches, how would you know? Even if it got through the rumor mill, it would take 30 days and 30 nights for that message to even get to you. A dude could legitimately have hoes in other area codes because no one would ever know any better. He didn’t have to worry about his “main chick” creepin’ on his Instagram or one of his friends tagging him in a Facebook post that he didn’t know about when he hit the bottle too hard. If he didn’t want any evidence of what the fuck he was doing he simply wouldn’t call “Thaddeus the painter” to come do a family fucking portrait! And so I suggest this: is the problem that people are giving up too quickly or is it just that we know too much? I don’t think people are behaving any differently than they ever have. I think we’re just able to see them in action more than ever.

Which brings me to my next point. The “action.”

“But Becky! Why would anyone knowingly post something on his account that makes him look like a scumbag? Million dollar question, my friends. And here comes that quote again. Not only has social media really reverse-cowgirled relationships inadvertently, it’s also caused a minefield of competition. As a young woman growing up in the upper east side of NYC, it can be challenging to walk out of my front door and match the surroundings, esthetically. And I’m proud to say I take care of myself and I think I’m more beautiful at 30 years old than I’ve ever been. But maybe everyone doesn’t think like that. Maybe you’re looking at someone’s account who has been cheated on several times. He can’t hold a job, no education, poor self-image, knows he ain’t all that in bed (he ain’t…) and has literally nothing to offer a woman. He can’t broadcast this version of what’s up, obviously. So how will he compensate? Grab some bitch and tell her to bend over for the camera to show his friends he has “value.”

It translates in many ways, and it doesn’t even have to be that extreme. People aren’t going to post the ugly selfies they take that have bad lighting or the letter they get from the collections agency regarding the debt they have. They’ll post the shopping spree they just went on and the picture that has 15 filters on it. It can be extremely convincing when looking at someone else’s “life” that you are far behind in every way imaginable. And you know how I know this to be absolutely true? I even do it to myself. Have you ever looked back at pictures of what you were up to a year ago and say, “damn… I was so happy back then. What happened?” And then you remember that you didn’t feel that happy a year ago, but that because of the collection of moments you’re looking at, you can even convince yourself that you were someone else living a different reality. It’s a dangerous game to play.

And finally, the last place I want to take this is how social media can ruin something just because of our access to things we really don’t need to see. I’ve obviously talked a few times in this post about something I wish I could unsee, but what about the things that actually ARE harmless? In a regular world without social media, I could have a boyfriend that goes to the deli, gets a turkey sandwich, and comes home and watches baseball while eating his lunch. What a great guy, right? In our current world, however, I could have a boyfriend that goes to the deli, gets a turkey sandwich, and comes home with a Facebook friend request from Jane, the girl who made his sandwich. Jane? Who the fuck is Jane? I don’t care if she makes you the best turkey sandwich that was ever made on the god damn planet, she isn’t your “friend” and she doesn’t need to “like” your birthday party pics from last weekend. Kill yourself, Jane.

Cue: throwing boyfriend’s clothes out onto the front lawn.

See what I’m saying? I wish we lived in a world where people just made sandwiches. Where it was exciting to get a roll of film developed to find 1 picture in the pile that didn’t make you look fat. Where if a guy was into you, he couldn’t be texting you and 5 other girls at the same time. Where we could be genuinely deceived without feeling the pain of it thrown in our faces. And finally, a world where we could all just be honest, open, and real about how our lives are really going. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t condone cheating or lying or douchebag-ery. But I think social media has caused me more unnecessary stress and anxiety in the last 10 years than any of ye-old ancestors, so maybe what it’s more that what we don’t know won’t hurt us.

The other day, I was given some advice by a coworker about how to really fuck with a guy that was fucking with me. And because of the type of person I am, I just couldn’t do it. I don’t like games. There’s no reason to play them. Mystery is one thing, deceit is another. If the way to get someone’s attention is by stirring up a fear in them that they’ll lose you vs. them appreciating you for the bangin’ bitch that you are, then there’s something wrong there anyway. So in my own situation, I decided to take the high road and exited gracefully. I don’t need to tell someone he’s a scumbag.

I’m sure he already knows.